Dear sister and brother wayfarers, the journey continues.
I’m wandering in and out of barren woods on my trusty steed. My energy has not yet returned, though I long for it—and warmth and sun—every day. This past week I did come upon an extraordinary healer and masseuse. She led me into her darkened, candlelit cave and I yielded to her firm and yet gentle kneading of my flesh, which hadn’t been caressed in months. When she rubbed my scalp gently and caringly (so it seemed to me), I felt like I was little Caledonia, my month old granddaughter, being cherished physically. Extraordinary to feel such sensitive and gentle touch again.
Ah, and the universe wasn’t finished gifting me yet. As I lay on my horse’s back with him always taking the lead and me trusting him (something I’ve resisted doing but now am giving way to), I began to feel the bricks around my heart beginning to fall away. I had no desire nor energy to keep my fortress up. As much as I kept declaring for 11 years that I wanted a partner, I don’t have one. Why? I’ve worked hard for years on feeling worthy, and I’ve tried to trust a man or two, but apparently my subconscious has been sending out signals of “No admittance.”
However, this past week, a mysterious male stranger, rather Zorro-like—not because he steals from and outwits the rich, but the fact that his true identity, yes, even his face, remains hidden from me. His mask is made of amorphous material which prohibits our touching, but he is very real to me. He comes to visit me often in the dark of night, and shares something of himself, his life journey, his fears and dreams. His heart wears no mask. He’s vulnerable. But as I peer into my own heart, I see dead rose petals lying on the frozen Utah ground. My heart is dying!
But no! My Zorro shows me how to gently lift up some blackened petals where, to my amazement, I see a teeny tiny green rosebush shoot emerging from the rotting leaves! His vitality is calling unto mine! He begins to gently woo me. Do I surrender? Yes, I do. I have decided I want to live in the PRESENT MOMENT and right now in my life, HE is my present moment. He is my teacher, my student, my nightly companion through this stark and barren woods. I don’t’ know how long we have together, but I’m thankful for every moment on my journey through the seemingly dead trees in this forest, as I experience the tight bud of my heart daring to open to the fragrance and fragility of loving whatever comes next.
