I have been through many a ‘dark night of the soul’ throughout my life, but I am in a new territory which I wanted to share with you in case you can resonate with it. I am royalty, but my long blue velvet robe is in tatters as I lie, exhausted, upon the strong back of my regal stallion. I am draped across him, too fatigued to even lift my head up to see where we’re going. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, for all one can see is tree after tree, all alike, no pattern, no discernible path. I surrender to the wisdom of my horse, and collapse upon his sturdy back once again.
You may recognize the “meaningless woods” from the Holy Grail legend. Perceval, the young naïve knight, has made it to the castle of the wounded Grail king, but he does not ask the all-important question to the King that would heal him: “Whom does the Grail serve?”
Three weeks ago, I became the grandmother of my precious Caledonia June. I had thought she would be my purpose in life, and she is in many ways for which I’m so grateful. But I also dare not live through her. She has her own special parents and life. And while she gives my life tremendous meaning—of family, love, courage—my soul is still wrestling with its own lack of purpose. A forced retirement from being a pastor—which I loved—by a second bout with cancer, I wonder who I am now.
I’m praying to surrender to my sojourn through these meaningless woods with no goal in sight. I must ride by faith. I must trust my instincts and body, my holy steed. How hard it is to surrender to nothingness, no-one-ness (outside of being beloved grandmother). Our souls are big, and cry out for mission, for doing. Can I be content with ‘just’ being?
I did have a few nights of respite with several lone hermits in the woods. They each shared a morsel of food and encouraged me on my knightly journey of self-discovery and self-love, reclaiming that Divinity within which loves me whether I have a vocation or not. But all too soon they sent me on my way.
After several months of moving, the baby’s difficult but triumphant birth, the tragic untimely death of a spiritual brother, several dear friends battling cancer, and snow storms here in Utah, I do sense a bit of renewed energy, but I know the springtime is not yet here. Still, Divine Love is all around me. I’m just a bit blind, but I know that truth. And there is a larger purpose in all this wandering of mine, even if it turns out to be truly noticing the small rocks and ferns on my path. It shall be revealed, as the ancient Grail legend promises. Patience, Pamela, my dear.
**I welcome any prayers but no fixing me up, for I am offering this as a fellow/sister wayfarer. If I have not yet the strength to raise my hand to hail you as we pass in the woods, please know my heart salutes your heart, for it takes much courage to take this journey, wherever it may lead. Blessings, Pamela Anne
